Etiquette

New Year Resolutions Not for Me

(Reproduced from a 2005 edition of The Scottish Curler with kind permission of Robin Copland)

About five years ago, I took a long hard look at myself and vowed that never again would I indulge in the pointless exercise of setting myself New Year resolutions. They are a complete waste of time and energy. The only time I ever made a New Year resolution that I was able to keep was in 1974; I decided to drink a gallon of beer before dawn. Now that was my kind of resolution! But as for the serious ones? No chance! They just make me feel more feckless and useless than I already am. They are not for me. No siree.

But anyhow, here are this year's resolutions. I will arrive at the ice rink in good time for my game. I will always be ready in the hack when it is my turn to play my shot. Surely one of the most annoying things for a skip is when his teammates faff around looking for their slider/knee pad/stone when it is their turn to play? Just be ready, please! Ditto skips at the other end! If I am ready in the hack, so should you be! I will never stand behind the opposition skip in such a way as to distract the player. Here are some tips on this thorny subject: Have the brush behind you or hold it horizontally Do not move or twitch Do not suddenly have a pressing desire to walk around Do not jump up and down Shoo team mates away to their proper place (between the two hoglines - it's in the rules of the game, matey!), unless it is your third, in which case, he or she can stand quietly with you at the appropriate time. Oh - and another thing. If my game has finished, but another game is carrying on, or if I need the measure, or I have a pressing need to go and powder my nose, I will never walk behind the skip on another sheet until the player there has thrown their stone! I will always arrange my own substitute and let my teammates and skip know that I have done so. If I am in a major competition, I promise to have discussed any attendance problems in advance with my skip. I will then make the necessary phone calls and arrangements. I will never let my brush touch the ice surface in the house until the opposition stone has reached the tee line. Then I will sweep to my heart's content! I will always wear clean shoes and make sure all of my equipment is clean. I will never collapse in a heap on the ice after I have thrown my stone, leaving all manner of melted ice and bits of fluff, dirt and muck behind me. Furthermore, I will not complain when, having done so, a large red-faced individual runs dementedly up to me, lifts me bodily off the ice and throws me outside the building and into the path of some fast-moving oncoming vehicles. Indeed, I will thank said individual for making me a better person. In fact, I will go further! I confirm that the only bits of me that will touch the ice throughout a game will be my shoes, my brush head and (I am getting older now, so bear with me, please) my knee. Unless I fall, in which case, exceptions can be made. I will always respect my opponents - win, lose or draw. I will encourage my teammates if they throw a bad stone. I mean - it is not as if they thought to themselves, 'I fancy a rollicking - let's throw a howler!' They are feeling bad enough as it is. I will keep my temper at all times. (Ouch!) I will always go to the bar for a drink and chat after the game. And finally, I will try to maintain the traditions and lore of the game in every way I can. I think I better just give up now!